Unwell
by Kichigai sunayasha
Summary: A poem I wrote last night after learning my Grandma tried to kill herself. It should explain a lot.


_A dedication to how just watching Gaara-sama make it through his living hell he called life taught me to deal with the shit society, family, and fate have forced in my face. Enjoy. _

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Feeling so weak  
Worthless and Meek  
Waking up from a nightmare  
And can't even breathe  
Life falling apart in the palm of your hand  
Can't even get into contact with land  
Because your head is so light  
From sobbing all night  
Practically gone  
But I never joined the fight  
The Sister's sobbing  
While the Grandma takes her light  
Dad's down your back  
And Mom's calling you a bitch  
Aunt's trying to comfort you  
While your cousin is screaming  
And the Brother secretlyhas a knife to your neck  
Daydreaming a nightmare in the middle of class  
Then you snap to attention in the halland fall on your ass  
Because the dream is gone  
And life is reality  
You love your precious kitten  
And Mommy accuses you of Beastiality  
The finger's pointing at me  
And I suddenly see  
The one who has to carry the burden  
Is in the mirror  
And she's glaring right back at me  
She's pointing the barrel at me, too  
"And I'm pointing it right back at you"  
It's a double-edge sword  
Trying to give me  
A vacation  
From reality  
But I have to take care of them  
Though I'm fucked-up too  
I'm carrying them on my shoulders  
While my bits and pieces are far and few  
Can I get a little love  
From something other than my poster at night  
Of a red-headed Goth  
Who's providing my light  
When I'm afraid of the dark in my own room  
Cause you're apparently demented and cursed to doom  
He looks down from a roof  
On a moon-lit night  
Friends behind him  
But no one at his side  
That isn't right  
What did he do?  
Then in my dream, he tells me  
"I'm like you"  
I smile a bit at the ironic fact  
That even through school when kids called me fat  
Stupid  
Show-off  
Goth  
and  
"She thinks she was all that"  
I didn't give a damn what happened to me  
I just cared about my family  
And him  
The red-head boy with raccoon eyes  
Feeling what's pulsing through me  
Hatred and despise  
But isn't it funny?  
"He's just a cartoon!"  
"He's not real"  
Well, what about you?  
When I'm looking at him standing over me laying in my room  
He's actually smiling, his cares are few  
And he tells me again, whispering  
"I'm like you"  
You walk into the room  
And start to scream  
"STOP TALKING TO SOMETHING YOU CAN'T SEE!"  
Hi, Mommy  
I'm staring at you, aren't I?  
I believe what I can see with my own two eyes.  
I'm going blind now, but I can hear  
The sadness pouring out through the piano and my tears  
My flute is breaking in my own hands  
And I'm slowly letting go of my chance  
But it's still so funny  
At the end of the night  
I'm not like Grandma  
I'm not taking my light  
I didn't overdose on pills  
I just quit on my own  
I have to be on Geodon  
At Fourteen years old  
I'm Fourteen-years-young  
And still sitting here  
Writing the things that I should hold dear  
Well, whoever is reading this  
I don't care  
Just know I'm at home  
Pulling out my hair  
Biting my nails until they bleed  
And trying to muffle my screams  
And not make a scene  
While I shoulder their pain,  
I'll shoulder yours too  
Come on, according to Mum, there's always room  
To push on me all your dreams  
Because you weren't a spoiled-rotten child  
Who didn't want to be  
Who just wanted to draw  
And smile  
And be happy  
She just wanted to make art  
Through her fingers  
And Pen  
Playing on her flute  
And not dreaming about bars  
And smoking  
And drinking till she pukes  
But all the things you told her  
Made her think that it's true  
"Don't ever smoke, it's not good for you"  
You don't have to tell me  
I already knew  
I can hear you coughing in your room  
And Dad downstairs, too  
Mum gave her her first drink  
When Grandpa died  
Mum'sbiological father  
First of seven  
Gone after you finally find him  
A little Bacardi to calm the nerves  
Let me tell you  
It sure as Hell worked  
I wasn't sobbing when I went to bed  
I just wanted to smashthe brains out of my head  
That was all  
Nothing big  
Because it was me comforting all of you  
Instead of just one of you comforting me  
But I'm older now  
And I can see  
I never really had anyone to comfort me  
I was always hanging out with the TV  
Talking to posters and pretending you could see me  
Well, see me now, Mommy, Daddy  
Your little girl you deprived of being free  
She's aspiring to be an Anesthesiologist  
Or a Neurologist  
Or a Biologist  
WhileMommy sat there and complained  
And taught her it was okay  
To procrastinate  
You ruined her life in the  
Seventh and Eighth grade  
Where girls pushed her around  
And pulled her hair  
And she told you about it  
And you said it was fair  
Because I was so smart  
So I got the idea  
If I act stupid  
Maybe I wouldn't fail  
At being social  
And having friends  
And all that you've done to me  
You can't (Won't) make amends  
So am I gonna end up like Grandma now?  
Single and miserable and crazy as Hell?  
Still taking pills until I pass out  
Then you call the cops  
And there's no doubt  
That for the fact I can still see straight  
And I'm not cutting anymore  
It's not because of you or her  
It's because of my friends  
Who picked my ass up off the floor  
Sitting in the corner  
They dragged me to the light  
I was so miserable and dead  
I couldn't put up a fight  
Heavy as lead  
They showed me what you couldn't  
Because your childhood sucked  
They said that doesn't mean my life should be ruined  
I still love you mom, and you too, dad  
But I'm just going crazy, and I'm so mad  
That Grandma tried to take her breath  
And Grandpa is dead  
And so is Great-Grandma  
As I'm lying in bed  
I'm watching my sanity like grains of sand  
Slip through the spaces in my hand  
And the sun is rising  
Isn't insomnia grand?  
I can talk to the ghosts hanging on my walls  
Standing in my window  
And singing in the halls  
She's singing too  
You just can't hear  
Because you made it apparent  
You didn't care  
She tried to learn Japanese  
And you called it "Gay"  
You said  
"Spanish will take you a long way"  
She started talking one day  
"Buenos Dias, Madre"  
"Heh, you sound so Gay."  
She gave that up too  
And started to learn  
Italian  
To please you  
She can sing "Time to say Goodbye"  
In both boy and girl parts  
And you said  
"What a waste of time."  
She's trying to learn not to talk at all  
But it's hard to forget when you drill her with questions all the time  
She turned to Anime  
To make her forget  
And she watched the red-head  
With loving intent  
His hair red like the wine  
She just snuck from the fridge  
Watching him clutch his head in pain  
As Shukaku screamed like a bitch  
His Dad acted like my Mom  
And his real mom was gone  
Did I mention  
My dad is not my real one?  
His siblings are only half  
Just like mine  
And sympathy he just can't find  
He growled "I love only myself"  
So I asked, "Can't you get a break?"  
And I heard in my head  
"I live to hate."  
I muttered so sincerly  
At only nine years old  
"I love you"  
The response in my head was a broken hallelujah  
And a fallen angel's prayer  
So I said again  
"I'll always be there"  
I could hear his raspy tenor tone  
Echo in my head  
I heard him say brokenly  
"I wish I was dead"  
So I went to sleep  
And met him face to face  
I was so young  
And his eyes were full of hate  
Shorter than he  
By a good foot or so  
I wrapped my arms around him  
And refused to let go  
"I'll always be there"  
"You don't care"  
"If I didn't, then would I be there?"  
So I chose to shoulder his pain  
Just like that of my family  
Giving him the comfort that he thought he'd never see  
I learned his name was Gaara  
He learned my name too  
And life was suddenly beautiful  
"I'll always be with you"


End file.
